023; I kind of lost myself again..

My life is mundane and pointless; I get up late, eat and watch TV all day, then I go to bed, and repeat. I don't care much for the internet; my computer drives me crazy. I can't be bothered to read or take walks or even get dressed. I'm trying to re-decorate my room in the hope that it will make me happier. I have nothing that keeps me going, except the promise of spring.

I don't know what to do.

022; Kill me now...

I feel as though I'm dying. This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed but I did because there was still sunlight, then as soon as the sun set, I slept some more. My body is tired and aching and it rejects everything. I've eaten but I couldn't keep any of it; I've thrown up so much tonight that it feels like something's ruptured inside my brain. My head hurts so much I can barely think. I'm just gonna pass out and sleep as much as I can tomorrow.

I don't think I can take this much longer...

(At least I'm losing weight.)

021; A coma would be nice.

I'm in a slight frenzy; I've gone through so many moods today. Mostly depressed, but also sudden surges of creativity, bouts of hopelessness, paranoia, extreme exhaustion, then the need to do something productive (and actually doing it--and I did, I framed and hung my Amélie poster), a zombie-like state where I showered, ate and watched TV, and finally anxiety. Now I can't calm down, even though I've taken my meds and they should be kicking in. All I want to do is curl up in the sofa with a tub of Ben & Jerry's and a good film. But, I'm just going to get ready for bed, take a shot of Bailey's, smoke a cigarette, read some Siken, and try to sleep.

I don't know why, but I felt the urgent need to blog.

020; For never was a story of more woe...

Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Yesterday I spent hours making icons and banners, and today I put them all up at my new LJ graphics community, os de verre. ♥ Definitely going to try to keep up with it, it's a good way to distract myself and *escape*, if only for a bit. I really want to get more creative again. Graphics are a good start.

I've been sleeping like 12 hours a day, and I really wish spring would come sooner, because winter is sucking the life out of me. I don't have much more to give.

I'm looking forward to Inspector Lewis tonight.

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
† Frozen Floods by Lovers
† Swansea by Joanna Newsom
† Dagger by Emily Jane White
† Rosary by Marissa Nadler
† Breathe Me by Sia

019; Come on, skinny love, just last the year..

By Amy. ♥

I had a pretty bad nosebleed earlier, just out of the blue. I got blood all over my shirt and the sink. Crazy. I haven't had a nosebleed in ages..

It actually felt kind of good. I like nosebleeds.

I should probably take it as a warning sign though.. I get them quite often when I'm really sick, as in when I'm at the end of my rope. Which, soon, I will be.
Can winter end already?

018; Home, let me go home..

Oh, and I got my Wildfox sweater this week! It's the softest, coziest hoodie I've ever worn. Totally worth it.

I also ordered some books that I should be getting sometime next week.. Including a book on dream interpretation. Excited :)
And, an Amélie poster that I'm gonna frame and hang above my bed!

Today we made homemade lasagna and I'm so hungry I could die. Wish it was ready sooner! Lasagna is the best.

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
† Devil's Waitin' by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
† Close Every Valve to Your Bleeding Heart by Ha Ha Tonka
† Not Your Year by The Weepies
† Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
† Breathe Me by Sia

017; Out tonight.

Let's find a bar, so dark we forget who we are
And all the scars from the nevers and maybes die

Met up with some friends tonight, from the trade & catering course, just for a couple of drinks and some conversation. I haven't seen them in a while, since I had to quit the course quite abruptly. It was really nice, just what I needed!

I've been having strange dreams about Gideon.

016; I'm a troubled, troubled heart..

Ugh, today is just one of those days...

I don't know what to do myself; I just feel so hopeless and torn and tired and I wish that winter would be over already, I don't know how much more I can take. I'm having a hard time seeing the beauty in life, there are things I could be doing but I just cannot find the strength to, I don't even want to read, or watch Criminal Minds, I just want to not exist.

Can I just not exist, just for a while?

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
† I Dreamed A Dream by Mandy Patinkin
† Rosary by Marissa Nadler
† Swansea by Joanna Newsom
† Valium by Lisa Mitchell
† Seven Years by Lovers

015; 森ガール

**mori girl** by Alaska Lee.

Um so I'm pretty obsessed with Mori Girls at the moment. I've always loved Gothic Lolita, Harajuku and Japanese fashion in general, but oh my god.

"Mori in Japanese means "forest" and a Mori Girl (森ガール) is a girl who looks like she lives amongst cedar and pine trees. She's part Little Red Ridinghood (although she prefers dark blue, dark green or bordeaux brown to bright red), part Marie Antoinette pastoral fantasy, part Alice in Wonderland." (link)

It's like it was made for me! *___*

Today I did a bit of rearranging--like I draped the top part of my desk with tulle-like sheets instead of this orange scarf I had before, and I put some Hello Kitty stuff on top, along with my inspiration board. It looks much better.
Also I cleaned out my desk drawer, because it was full of shit from the last three years, but now it's pretty much clean. I found my Shiro Petto notebook hidden in there ^^ I also looked through all my drawers etc on the prowl for my Hello Kitty sticker album, and I finally found it! Happy.

I've also been hunting for a pink laptop and I have a few promising options--now the only thing is to find them in town D: My birthday is in little more than a month, and I simply have to get a laptop soon. Maybe it doesn't need to be pink.. (But I want one!)

014; Things I want.

† A bigger gap between my thighs.
† Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov.
† A pair of Doc Martens.
† Wildfox Couture skeleton hoodie.
† A rosary cross necklace.
† A book on dream interpretation.
† A pink laptop.
† To learn French fluently.
† For winter to end.
† A black knit sweater.
† A pink seven-day pillbox.
† My own apartment.
† A pack of Gauloises blondes.
† A friend to take pictures of.
† Strength and motivation.

I would also really like this:

013; Ghosts in the air I breathe..

For the last couple of nights, I've had this really odd feeling that I couldn't explain, but today I realized; I don't want to go to bed because I feel I might die if I do. My sleep has been almost frightening lately, I have a hard time getting to sleep (only the sound of his voice will eventually lull me to sleep), during the night I frequently wake up due to weird dreams, but in the morning it's as if I'm dead, or in a coma--nothing, not my alarm, mother, snow truck, nothing can wake me up. Some time after 1pm I usually come out of it, and always with a headache. The only thing I remember from my dreams are feelings of anxiety and unease.

I can't quite shake the feeling.

I would like to sleep, it's just that I'm afraid to. For whatever reason.

And I've been noticing more and more how I am always clenching my teeth. I've tried to stop, but I do it unconsciously.

These scars of mine are more than skin-deep
And there are ghosts in the air I breathe
And these ghosts will haunt your dreams
They'll taunt you in your sleep, saying,
"Oh, we know about the love you lost and need,
Hope's become a dirty secret you keep"
And you're always the dreamer, never the dream

012; Drink up, baby, stay up all night..

I bought this hoodie in worn-out black the other day--from Wildfox Couture! I've wanted one for ages and it was on sale after Christmas, so I decided to get it. It's probably the only Wildfox piece I'll ever buy and I think it'll be worth it. So excited for it to get here! ^____^

New Year's passed without too much significance. I still feel the same; but I have set some goals for myself, like I'm going to try to make this year different (not that it worked last year), and I will try to lose the weight I want (by summer), so I can finally strike that off my list of things I hate about myself.

Haven't really been up to much...I've barely left the house (except to buy chocolate and cigarettes). I've been taking some pictures with my disposable camera, my creativity has been surging but I don't have anyone to take pictures of/that can take my self-portraits for me. Joey leaves town really soon. I wish she wouldn't, but we've been talking about me maybe coming to visit her in London later on this year. That would be amazing. I miss London so much.

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
† I Dreamed A Dream by Mandy Patinkin
† The First Law of Thermodynamics by Lovers
† Dreams by Fleetwood Mac
† Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

† Between the Bars by Elliott Smith