I keep meaning to post something but it all feels so worthless.

Current weight: 99.6lbs.

While I'm asleep, she'll arrive at his place, and he'll smile and hug her and kiss her and then they'll spend the next three days together. And I am all alone.

And if you're in love, then you're the lucky one
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone
Setting fires to our insides for fun
To distract our hearts from ever missing them
But I am forever missing him

Fuck.

067; Untitled.

I wrote this in December 2010, but it still holds true.

Lately I've been craving skin, affection, protection, safety, a warm-blooded body next to mine. But I can't, for several reasons, and I feel I might never have anyone. I might never be able to let someone in, let myself go, give in. I feel like there might be some trauma hidden beneath all this skin and neural tissue, in the marrow of my bone, the very core of me.

I have far too many insecurities--I might never be satisfied with myself.

066; Always.

I really fucked it up this time.

We tried and we lost. Maybe someday, but I'm not going to hope. Whatever happens, happens. My heart is broken, just like I knew it would be. I'm still not sure whether it was by his hands or mine. I wonder if it was worth it. My insides ache. I want to cry but I can't. You're the only one, and I know you know that. I don't know what I am to you - does it hurt when you think about me? Maybe this will never end. Some wounds never heal.

May she meet you half way on all the roads I made you walk alone.

065; Contradictions.

I don't care. I do not care. This is me not caring.

Be an asshole. Think you know everything. You know me too well. Keep playin'. I ain't gonna be part of your games any longer. You're so full of yourself. I love you. I hate you. You are poison. I'm better off without you. That's a lie. Think of me as a liar and a quitter. It doesn't matter what you think. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic (I don't know if I'm referring to you or me.) You make me hate myself. You make me smile. There's too much water under the bridge. We've been through too much. Forget me. Always remember me. You've given up. I've given up. I will never give up. It's over. It's over. I don't care. It's over. It's never over. Fuck you.

Be gone, be gone, be gone, be mine.

064;

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

(This did not make me feel any better.)

063; I'm still here.

Today I turned twenty-two. Getting old. It started out shaky, and I went back to bed and cried for a while, because everything just felt so dreary. Just like every other day. Then I tried to pull myself together and got up, and I finally did the final stitching on my Virgin Suicides dress (see picture) and it couldn't be more perfect now! I got it ages ago at a sale and it was an x-large but I sewed it in and today I fixed the top and straps. It's my dream dress.
When mother came home, I got some presents and we had cake and coffee. I mostly got graphic novels and books, and a pair of sheer lace curtains that I put up in my room, and a bouquet of pink roses, which I put in my window next to lots of candles. My room is completely dreamy now. Then I felt kind of inspired and I made a mix, and it's basically the soundtrack to a film I haven't written yet. I might be working on a story, though. Maybe. We'll see. In the end, my day's been rather lovely, and my friends have been extremely supportive and sweet. I love each and every one of you! You know who you are. ♥

062; Happy birthday to me (Feb 15th)

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made
I'm sure all of them were wrong

Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear

And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
Yeah, there are some things you can't fake

Well, I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago
Or a friend that you used to know
And there below his frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song

And I'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
I know that it is late
But thank you for talking, because I needed to
Some things just can't wait...