I need to be strong. I need to be okay with being alone. I need to be able to face myself. I need to be able to look in the mirror and not flinch at the sight of my reflection. I need to be the best I can be, all I can be. I've been restricting myself for weeks now, and today I ate so much, too much, and my body feels heavy and I feel sick, I want to purge, but I won't. I won't. You are better than this. For anyone else, it would've been a normal meal. It is not the end of the world. I'm afraid to weigh myself. I am afraid to look in the mirror. You are not fat. I hate my body. I hate myself. Think positive. No.
No. I am going to go to bed, and in the morning I will wake up early, and begin a new day. I will take a walk, have some coffee and cigarettes, maybe draw or write, talk to my friends, and feel as though anything is possible. I will look at myself in the mirror for five minutes without judging myself. I will not be afraid. I will be strong.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
043; I'm not the best thing for you.
Two nosebleeds, a hospital, and lots of Tom Waits.
The taste of blood makes me hungry (but I can't keep anything down.)
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
040; A promise of a new year.
“I want to taste and glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of non-feeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.”
—Sylvia Plath
It's a new year and I am not going to fool myself into thinking it's a fresh start because nothing ever is, because the past will always still be there, and there is nothing you can do about it. This past year was a year of self-discovery, of broken glass, of strength, of hopelessness, of dreams, of escape. There were more bad days than good, but without the darkness the light wouldn't have been nearly as bright. I travelled, I met new people and saw new places, and though I always returned, I went somewhere. It might not be much, but it was enough then.
There was a moment when I was in Camden, London and I was sitting down with a couple of friends when this beautiful stranger walked past and I was captivated; I couldn't look away. The stranger noticed, smiled and blew me a kiss, and for a moment, everything was beautiful. It wasn't love or lust or anything; I was just completely floored by the radiance of this person. It felt like I could see their heart glowing. I keep this moment in a box that stays in my secret drawer; a wooden box carved with flowers and words, a box meant only to contain the brightest of things. So far, it doesn't contain much. (Another thing I keep in it is the way I light up whenever he calls me 'jerk'.)
But this I take with me from two-thousand and eleven; that strangers are beautiful, that you should cherish fleeting moments and try not to hold on too long, that if a person makes you smile they are worth keeping around, that it's okay to make mistakes, that it might not be your year but that doesn't mean it's all bad, and that you have to learn to accept yourself, and not try to be someone you're not. Be true to yourself. Trust your heart, and never give up hope.
List of desires:
† Be more myself, and to be okay with that.
† To be open, to show myself vulnerable, to let new light in.
† To lose weight and work out.
† To be happy with myself, if I can.
† A pair of Doc Martens.
† To hang out (and go to Gothenburg) with Layla.
† To dye my hair lilac.
† To read new books, see new places and make new friends.
† To do something, even if it's not much.
† To exist in the best terms I can.
† To dream, to hope, to let go.
† To be in his arms.
(It was also the end of an era.)
—Sylvia Plath
It's a new year and I am not going to fool myself into thinking it's a fresh start because nothing ever is, because the past will always still be there, and there is nothing you can do about it. This past year was a year of self-discovery, of broken glass, of strength, of hopelessness, of dreams, of escape. There were more bad days than good, but without the darkness the light wouldn't have been nearly as bright. I travelled, I met new people and saw new places, and though I always returned, I went somewhere. It might not be much, but it was enough then.
There was a moment when I was in Camden, London and I was sitting down with a couple of friends when this beautiful stranger walked past and I was captivated; I couldn't look away. The stranger noticed, smiled and blew me a kiss, and for a moment, everything was beautiful. It wasn't love or lust or anything; I was just completely floored by the radiance of this person. It felt like I could see their heart glowing. I keep this moment in a box that stays in my secret drawer; a wooden box carved with flowers and words, a box meant only to contain the brightest of things. So far, it doesn't contain much. (Another thing I keep in it is the way I light up whenever he calls me 'jerk'.)
But this I take with me from two-thousand and eleven; that strangers are beautiful, that you should cherish fleeting moments and try not to hold on too long, that if a person makes you smile they are worth keeping around, that it's okay to make mistakes, that it might not be your year but that doesn't mean it's all bad, and that you have to learn to accept yourself, and not try to be someone you're not. Be true to yourself. Trust your heart, and never give up hope.
List of desires:
† Be more myself, and to be okay with that.
† To be open, to show myself vulnerable, to let new light in.
† To lose weight and work out.
† To be happy with myself, if I can.
† A pair of Doc Martens.
† To hang out (and go to Gothenburg) with Layla.
† To dye my hair lilac.
† To read new books, see new places and make new friends.
† To do something, even if it's not much.
† To exist in the best terms I can.
† To dream, to hope, to let go.
† To be in his arms.
(It was also the end of an era.)
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
014; Things I want.
† A bigger gap between my thighs.
†
† A pair of Doc Martens.
†
† A rosary cross necklace.
†
† A pink laptop.
† To learn French fluently.
† For winter to end.
† A black knit sweater.
†
† My own apartment.
† A pack of Gauloises blondes.
† A friend to take pictures of.
† Strength and motivation.
I would also really like this:
Monday, 3 January 2011
012; Drink up, baby, stay up all night..
I bought this hoodie in worn-out black the other day--from Wildfox Couture! I've wanted one for ages and it was on sale after Christmas, so I decided to get it. It's probably the only Wildfox piece I'll ever buy and I think it'll be worth it. So excited for it to get here! ^____^
New Year's passed without too much significance. I still feel the same; but I have set some goals for myself, like I'm going to try to make this year different (not that it worked last year), and I will try to lose the weight I want (by summer), so I can finally strike that off my list of things I hate about myself.
Haven't really been up to much...I've barely left the house (except to buy chocolate and cigarettes). I've been taking some pictures with my disposable camera, my creativity has been surging but I don't have anyone to take pictures of/that can take my self-portraits for me. Joey leaves town really soon. I wish she wouldn't, but we've been talking about me maybe coming to visit her in London later on this year. That would be amazing. I miss London so much.
Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
† I Dreamed A Dream by Mandy Patinkin
† The First Law of Thermodynamics by Lovers
† Dreams by Fleetwood Mac
† Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
† I Dreamed A Dream by Mandy Patinkin
† The First Law of Thermodynamics by Lovers
† Dreams by Fleetwood Mac
† Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
† Between the Bars by Elliott Smith
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