Thursday, 15 December 2011

026; Winter lives inside my bones.

It's funny; it's been a little less than a year since I last posted. Ten months, and I'm still in the same place. Three overdoses (not that I'm counting), fifty-something cuts, innumerable bruises, twenty-two pounds less, nine months worth of treatment, two white pills a day, another three psychologists, and a relationship later, here I am. Yours truly. (Sometimes I wonder if I'm stuck down here for good.)

But it's not all bad. Some days are better. Not a lot of them, unfortunately (especially not during winter), but at least it's something. I have someone. We've been together for two weeks now, but I've known him for eight years. Sometimes I curse him, a lot of the time I hate myself, but at the end of the day he says he's there, no matter what. He's a lot like me. I wrote this in my journal, "you're like the earth around which I revolve, constantly drawn to you as if you've got some gravitational pull on me, and some say your soul mate is only there to tear you apart and break your heart so new light can come in, and that's what you do to me, you destroy me but you lift me up, you bring out the best and the worst in me" and I hold to that. He makes me desperate, insane, anxious, but he also makes me smile. And that's gotta be worth something, right?

Anyway. I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm at an all-time low, but I'm having a good day, I'm lucid for once, and it's two am and I can't sleep. Amy's mixes and cigarettes are keeping me company. I think I might take the pink pills and read for a while until they kick in. I don't know.

This is my life.
Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
Breathe Me by Sia
Stephanie Says by Emiliana Torrini
Winter Bones by Stars
Sister Winter by Sufjan Stevens
Chocolates & Cigarettes by Angus & Julia Stone

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