Tuesday, 28 December 2010

011; Dream interpretation II.

Mental Institute
To dream that you are in a mental institution, indicates a need for rest and a need to reset your mind. Don't be afraid to ask for help/assistance when you need it.
To dream that you are outside a mental institution, suggests that you are feeling ostracized or shunned. You may be close to a mental breakdown. Or you are feeling left out, excluded, and ignored.

To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

If the office in your dream is unfamiliar or strange, then it suggests that you are comparing yourself to someone else. You are measuring yourself against other's standards.

To see a staircase in your dream, symbolizes change and transformation.

To dream that you are receiving a message, represents a message from your unconscious.


In my dream, "SUZIE Q" was written on a wall.
I find it kind of odd that that's a street name for a drug used to treat schizophrenia, bipolar/depression, as well as insomnia and anxiety.

Monday, 27 December 2010

010; Echoes, silence, patience & grace.

I can recall two deers in my dream, guiding me I think, they're taking me through a forest filled with red berries, but maybe they're fooling me; it was something I read, that it "represents vulnerability and naivety, and as a result, others may take advantage of you and your gullibility", and I'm not quite sure but I lay down in the roots of a tree and it feels safe, then everything goes black, or maybe I wake up.

Another dream is just a blur of a darkened house (it's mine, but it's different) and the overwhelming feeling that something is wrong, I get anxious and scared, maybe I'm being chased, or there's a murderer in the house, or my mother is possessed, and everything is dark.. These kind of dreams happen frequently.

Saturday, 25 December 2010

009; My heart is returned to sister winter..

My christmas has been.. good. I started the day crying and ended up throwing up, but somewhere in between it has been actually completely okay, despite loud children and stress and a killer headache. I got a bunch of books--The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Lolita, Kafka on the Shore, Practical Magic (amongst others), and I think I might spend the next month or so hidden away in my room, just reading.
If I have the strength, that is.

Unfortunately the gift I ordered for my younger older brother hasn't even gotten here yet...but I hope it'll get here before he leaves. It's pretty awesome and he'll love it. Sindri comes back tomorrow, with Sofia (his wife), and we're having an extra Christmas Eve. I'm looking forward to seeing them. ♥

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
Sister Winter by Sufjan Stevens
A Song To Pass The Time by Bright Eyes
Season's Greetings by Lovers
If Winter Ends by Bright Eyes

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

008; I'm tangled up again...

I'm back to not being able to keep my food down; I thought I was past this. I just can't stomach it. I felt sick all night and then I finally threw up.. After a while, I came out and my brother told me I looked like Marion Silver.

Oh, and yes, my brothers came home today. It's nice to have some company, although Sindri is just staying for the night.

Now, I'm going to bed. I have a massive headache and my throat hurts.

Monday, 20 December 2010

007; A light change.

Everything seems to have worked out; I don't have to go back to class (for now) and I can just relax for the coming month. I talked to the (temporary) teacher at the service class center today and he asked me, "Why aren't you doing what you want? You came into this class and yes, you might have enjoyed it, but deep down, you don't want to be doing this. The most important thing is that you feel good about what you're doing. You shouldn't care about other peoples' expectations. Follow your heart."
And everything made sense. And he helped me more than probably any of the therapists I've had through the years. It's like he knew me, almost instantly, after talking to me for about fifteen minutes. And it felt so good.

Tomorrow morning is the total lunar eclipse, and I hope I'll be able to see it. It'll be pretty light by the time it's supposed to climax, and also the weather prognosis doesn't seem too good.. but I'm crossing my fingers. It is also the winter solstice, and I'm just doing a pretty simple ritual to celebrate the return of light.

Oh gosh, and my best friend Joey and I exchanged Christmas presents today and I got the loveliest gift; a Wiccan journal and an amethyst pendulum (third from the left) ♥

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
Season's Greetings by Lovers
Traveling Through A Sea by Grouper
The Ghosts You Draw On My Back by Múm
A Light Change by Grouper
Sæglópur by Sigur Rós

Sunday, 19 December 2010

006; I'm going back to the start..

I'm anxious about tomorrow; I have to go back to class* and I'm unsure of what to do because I don't have a meeting with the employment agency (who are in control of these things) until mid-January. They will probably kick me off the course (if they haven't already) because I've missed too much, and I'm completely fine with that because I don't want to do anything. The only thing I have left is work practice and I don't have a placement.

Psychiatric never calls me back and they were supposed to. I'm right back where I started, the same place I was a year ago.

And what with Christmas coming up I'm even more stressed.

And all I want to do is eat and sleep..

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
Song From the Sixteenth Floor by Paul Kelly
Turbine Womb by Soap&Skin
Chocolates & Cigarettes by Angus & Julia Stone
Between the Bars by Elliott Smith
Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple

*Trade & catering program full of lectures, group discussions, different areas of the business, and for me (since I'm the only one taking catering); mannerisms, practical studies (for example, how to set a table), theory of catering, as well as work practice.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

005; Dream interpretation I.

To dream that you are in a maze, denotes that you need to deal with a waking task on a more direct level. You are making the situation harder than it really is. Alternatively, the maze symbolizes life's twists and turns. It represents indecision, confusion, missteps, feeling lost or being misled.

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

To dream that you are drowning, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Repressed issues may be coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. You should proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is refers to an emotional rebirth. If you survive the drowning, then it means that a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil.

To dream that you are suffocating, signifies that you are feeling smothered or oppressed by some situation or relationship. Something or someone is holding you back. You are experiencing a lot of stress and tension.

Glass House
To see a glass house in your dream, suggests that you need to be cautious about what people are telling you. They may be telling you what you want to hear, and not necessarily what you need to hear.

004; Abracadabra, wow!

I like boys with nice arms and tattoos and girls with pink hair and tulle skirts.
I like the scent of night air.
I like collecting books and journals.
I like having a shot of Bailey's and a cigarette before I go to bed.
I like going back to sleep in the mornings.
I like dancing and singing.
I like glitter.
I like waffles for breakfast.
I like feeling safe, loved, protected.
I like light-hearted summers.
I like crying my heart out.
I like medication.
I love forgetting everything and feeling good.
Today I want to eat eat eat.
In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate feeling fat.
I hate that everyone I love lives so far away.
I hate always wanting.
I hate feeling hopeless and worthless.
I hate that I have no self-control.
I hate being alone, but in a way, I like it sometimes, too.
I hate waking up in the mornings.
I hate myself sometimes.

003; I would sleep in your shirt, and hibernate away the hurt...

"When I am lonely for boys it's their bodies I miss. I study their hands lifting the cigarettes in the darkness of the movie theaters, the slope of a shoulder, the angle of a hip. Looking at them sideways, I examine them in different lights. My love for them is visual: that is the part of them I would like to possess. Don't move, I think. Stay like that. Let me have that."
— Margaret Atwood

Lately I've been craving closeness and familiarity; red wine haze, silent understanding, warm skin under covers. I'm nostalgic for skin and strong arms, someone to hold me, I need to feel safe. But as soon as I talk about these things, I hate myself for wanting them, for being so pathetic. I don't function in relationships--I lose myself in love, I depend so completely on the other, I crave affection, I stop existing. And in an instant, I'll need to be alone, I'll fight and scream, push the other away, I raise the walls back up. Because I know you will leave, you always do.

But I need an escape, someone to disappear into, a body to hide in, skin to trace with my fingers, freckles and moles to explore, protection from the world.

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
Breathe Me by Sia
Poison Oak by Bright Eyes
Ginger by Lovers
Mr. Gaunt PT 1000 by Soap&Skin
Baby by Warpaint

Friday, 17 December 2010

002; I'd rather be sleeping...

I've been feeling very low.. Today I couldn't even get out of bed. I have dreamed about death tonight; there's a faint recollection of someone suffocating me, and I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air, after which I fell asleep again, and then dreamed I was drowning in a pool of azure water, like the water was tugging me down but I pushed myself out. Someone wrapped a towel around me and there were people I didn't know but they cared. Then I was lost in the maze of a building.

Songs I've been listening to a lot lately:
Heavy Water/I'd Rather Be Sleeping by Grouper
Silvia by Marissa Nadler
Colorblind by Counting Crows
Brother of Sleep by Soap&Skin
The First Law of Thermodynamics by Lovers

Saturday, 11 December 2010


"I still think that human beings, even our beautiful and wretched souls, are just biology, are just a series of chemical and physical reactions that one day stop, and so do we, and that is that. But I’m looking forward to this blank peace, this oblivion, this nothing, this not being me anymore. Or at least, this is what I tell myself. I tell myself I really want to die, and it never occurs to me until the last possible moment that what I really want is to be saved."
— Elizabeth Wurtzel